How Do you Deal With The Pain?
by VampirePrincess86
Summary: When death claims the love of her life, how will Alex deal with the pain? Olivia and Casey will be put to the ultimate test of friendship. Sequel to No Time To Waste. Not a femslash. Due to low reviews, I'm debating whether or not i should continue this story. Maybe take it down and re-write it.
1. I Love You

**Hello hello. You might not have to read No Time To Waste to read this but you might want to read it anyways. Lol *smiles* **

***Warning***

**This sequel will be a very dark fiction dealing with loss, depression, and self-harm. I will warn you when that time comes.**

**I do not own SVU. If I did, like I said before. Both Stephanie March and Diane Neal would be on the show. **

* * *

_Casey closed her eyes and smiled as the wind blew through her hair. The sound of the waves crashing against the sand was soothing. She loved how wet sand felt between her toes. She opened her eyes and focused on the horizon. The sun was beginning to set turning the once blue water to a beautiful shade of red and orange. Her life was perfect, she couldn't ask for more. She and Elliot's 5__th__ year anniversary was just months away. Her and Elliot have been married for five happy years. She smiled warmly at the thought. She truly was a very happy woman. _

_A cool breeze blew past her carrying a familiar sent along with it. Casey took a deep breath and smiled. "I never thought I would speak to you again. After all, I haven't seen you since my wedding day." _

_Jade wrapped one arm around Casey's shoulder and pulled her into a hug. Casey was right, she hasn't visited Casey since her wedding day. Casey framed the photo they took together and had it on her nightstand. "Just because you don't see me doesn't mean I'm not watching over you guys." Jade said as she gave Casey a kiss on the cheek. _

_Casey looked into Jade's eyes and smiled. "I missed you."_

"_I missed you too." Jade said pulling Casey down so they could sit in the sand. "You've been a busy woman."_

_Casey smiled proudly. "I am but I couldn't be happier." They both laughed. "You know, she's starting to remind me of you?"_

_Jade raised her eyebrow. "Oh, I'm sorry."_

_Casey laughed. "No no, not in a bad way. Well she does have that 'don't mess with me' attitude"_

_Jade spashed some water at Casey as a wave hit the shore. "Well, I do believe she got that attitude from her mother."_

"_Mommy!" _

_Casey looked around and saw no one. _

"_Mommy!"_

_Casey heard the voice once more. She looked at Jade and smiled. "Speak of the devil."_

Casey felt someone sitting on her stomach. She slowly opened her eyes and was greeted by the most adorable two year-old she has ever seen. With bright blue eyes like her father and blonde hair like her mother, she was beautiful.

" Wake up Mommy, we needs pancakes." Casey's daughter said as she cupped Casey's cheek with her small hands. Jade Stabler was Casey and Elliot's first child. Well, Casey's first child to be more precise. Casey smiled at the memory of the day she told Elliot she was pregnant.

"_Come on Elliot, there aren't that many candles on the birthday cake!" Olivia laughed as she lit the candles on the cake._

_Alex leaned over the table carefully pulling her long blonde hair back. "I didn't know you could fit one hundred candles on a cake this size. Case, you're a miracle worker." _

_Everyone in the room burst with laughter as Casey placed Elliot's present down on the table in front of him. Casey placed a hand on Elliot's shoulder looked up at Alex and Liv. They looked down at the little pink box and smiled back at Casey. Alex winked at Casey before allowing her date to wrap his arms around her. _

_Casey looked down at Elliot who's face was bright red. "I'm sorry El, but everyone kept asking when the party was. Just think of it this way, Munch will always be older than you." Casey said with a laugh as she smiled innocently at Munch. "Now we all promised not to sing "Happy Birthday" so just blow out the candles and make a wish."_

_Elliot did just that and everyone clapped their hands. "You know, I just want to say that I have nothing more to wish for. I have my friends and my family here with me and that's all I ask for." Elliot received a mixture of "awws" and laughter from the crowd. Casey handed Elliot a pink box and kissed him on the lips. _

"_Happy birthday my love" Casey said as she sat down next to him. _

_Elliot slowly opened up the box so reveal a small picture frame. He held the frame close and looked intensely at the photo. Casey looked at Alex and Liv who were ready to burst out in joy. They of course knew exactly what kind of photo the picture frame contained. _

"_Is it a private picture?" Finn asked._

_Elliot looked up at Casey who just smiled at him. His eyes filled with tears as he turned the picture frame to face her and everyone in the room. "For real?"_

_Casey nodded and was immediately pulled into a hug. "We're having a baby!" He said out loud. His voice filled with so much joy._

Casey held her daughter's hand as they walked into the kitchen where Elliot was making pancakes. "Morning." She said as she greeted her husband with a kiss.

"Pancakes!" Jade screamed as she took her seat at the kitchen table.

"Yup, do you want chocolate or blue berry pancakes?" Elliot asked his daughter. He felt Casey glare at him for offering a two year old chocolate in the morning.

"Bu berry!" Jade yelled with excitement.

"Blue berry pancakes coming right up."

* * *

"Alex, honey did you see my wallet?" Max Pierce yelled from the closet to his wife who was still asleep in their Alaskan king sized bed. Alex and Max have been married for one year now but met four years ago on a blind date that Olivia and Alexis set up.

"_Yeah he's here." Liv said to Alexis over the phone. "Why couldn't you be here too?" Alexis was out on assignment for work. "Right you can't tell me." _

"_Liv!" _

"_Oh she's here. Okay, I'll text you an update later." Liv hung up the phone and turned to greet Alex. She looked Alex up and down and realized that Alex was still wearing what she wore to work. A black pencil skit with a pink blouse. She had forgotten to tell Alex to change before coming to the bar. Alex was beautiful no matter what she wore. "Hey."_

_Alex sat down next to Liv at the bar. "What's up?"_

_Liv looked around for Max and saw him walking up to them. "Um, have you met Max?" Liv said as she stood up. _

_Max looked at Alex and smiled. He was about six feet, muscular build, dark brown hair with gorgeous green eyes. Alex couldn't help but return his smile with a smile of her own. He extended his hand hoping she would take it and she did. "Hi, I'm Max."_

"It's on the dresser!" Alex said without opening her eyes. It was day three of her seven day vacation and she was going to spend it all day in bed until her dinner date with Olivia and Casey. Even though the three of them were now married or getting married, they vowed to keep one day a week dedicated to the three of them. The three of them had grown extremely close over the past year. Alex was happy that Casey and Olivia welcomed her with open arms when she was released from witness protection. Alex felt a hand run down her bare back and she smiled. "Shouldn't you be leaving for work?"

Max kissed his wife's shoulder and smiled. "Trying to get rid of me?"

Alex rolled onto her back so she could see her husband. "It's Wednesday, when the pool boy is finished cleaning, we're going to have wild sex in the hot tub." Alex said with a straight face.

Max leaned in and gave Alex a deep passionate kiss. He was a lucky man to be married to such a beautiful, intelligent, funny woman. He had no idea what he did in his life time to deserve Alex. "I love you."

Alex smiled warped her arms around his neck pulling him closer. She was the happiest she had ever been. "Call in sick." She said in between kisses.

"As much as I want to, I can't" Max said pulling away from his wife. "I will see you after dinner." He said kissing her one last time. "I love you."

Alex settled back into bed. "I love you too."


	2. This is real, he is real, he is dead

**Sorry writer's block!**

**I do not own. If I did, Stephanie and Diane would be back FOREVER! **

**Im starting every chapter with a random Casey Novak and Alex Cabot quote. You gotta guess who said it. Lol Ready?**

**"There was no proof that it's a full and accurate account of what happened. The defense can say that in the missing sections a spaceship lands and an alien squashed the girl with a giant pumpkin."**

**Who said?**

**Peace!**

* * *

Casey took a sip of her pomegranate martini as she finished typing out a text to Elliot letting him know that Jade would be spending the night with her parents. She was looking forward to spending the night alone with Elliot. They had been talking about trying for another kid. It would be nice for Jade to have a younger brother or sister. Oh it would be nice to have another daughter. Casey smiled at the thought of having another baby.

"hhmm… What do you think she is thinking about, Alex?" Olivia said startling Casey. Olivia took off her jacket and hung it on the back of her chair before sitting down.

Alex removed her jacket and sat down at the table. "Well, let's see, sex or softball?"

The three of them laughed. Casey tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. "Elliot and I have been thinking about trying for another kid."

Olivia and Alex both smiled and leaned in closer to Casey. "That would be great!" Alex said.

"My god daughter would not be happy." Olivia said softly. When Jade was born, she had a very hard decision to make on whom to choose to be Jade's god mother. Both Olivia and Alex were her best friends; she couldn't just pick one over the other. They both treated Jade as if she were their own flesh and blood. Casey had to yell at them from time to time for spoiling her daughter rotten.

"You really think so?" Casey said taking another sip of her drink. "Oh here comes our waiter. He's cute."

"Hi, my name is John; I will be your waiter today. Is there anything I can get you beautiful ladies to drink today?" The young waiter said with a gorgeous smile.

Casey smiled and raised her glass to Alex and Olivia before she drank the remaining contents. "I'll have a refill, John."

He smiled at Casey as he wrote down her order. "And for you two lovely ladies?"

Alex couldn't help but smile at the young boy's flirtatious charm. "I'll have a dirty martini, dry." She said seductively, receiving a smile along with a blush from John.

"I will take a tall Stella." Olivia said taking a sip of her water.

"Great, I'll be right back with your drinks." John said before walking away from the table.

Casey, Olivia and Alex laughed when John was out of sight. "Alex, you're such a tease!" Casey said as she lightly hit Alex on the arm.

All Alex could do was smile. "A girl can have fun once in a while."

"So Alex, are you still thinking of running for District Attorney?" Olivia asked.

Alex took a drink of her water while contemplating on the thought of her running for DA. She had mentioned it to the girls a few weeks ago but she hasn't shared her idea with Max yet. After Jade was born, they talked about starting a family. The problem was Alex's work load at the DA's office and Max's schedule. Alex lived and breathed the law. When she was in witness protection, she couldn't stop thinking like a prosecutor. "Possibly."

Casey kept her eyes trained on Alex. Alex wasn't a one word answer type of woman. Something else was on her mind. Casey made eye contact with Olivia who shared Casey's thoughts. "Possibly?"

Alex sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "Yes, possibly."

"What's on your mind, Alex?" Olivia asked as she folded her arms on the table.

Casey searched for a clue in Alex's ice blue eyes. Then she saw it, a small twinkle. Casey smiled catching the attention of both Alex and Liv. "You want a mini Alex!"

"I can just picture it!" Olivia said with a big smile. "Bright blue eyes with the long blonde pigtails."

"Imagine her with Alex's attitude!" Casey said a little too loud.

Alex couldn't help but smile. "My brains, looks, and attitude with her father's charm."

John walked up to their table with a tray of drinks. He smiled at the sound of the girl's laughter. "A dirty Martini for the beautiful blonde." He said as he handed Alex her glass. "A pomegranate martini for the other beautiful blonde and a Stella for the beautiful brunet." He help his tray flat against his chest. "Have you guys decided what you want to eat yet?"

They have been too busy talking that they forgot to look at the menu. "Give us a few more minutes."

"Of course." John said before walking away from the girls.

"So let me guess a salad and soup for Alex and a steak for Olivia?" Casey said as she looked over the menu. "Salmon!"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Can we anymore boring?"

"It's true; we order the same meal every time we eat here." Alex said while putting down her menu. The girls sat in silence for a few moments before bursting into giggles.

"So Olivia, have you and Dean set a date yet?" Casey asked while raising her one eye brow.

Olivia looked down at the engagement ring on her finger and smiled as the memory of the proposal filled her mind.

_Dean stood up from the table and looked down at his friends. What more could he ask for? He had the love of his life sitting beside him looking beautiful. He raised his campaign glass and gently tapped the side of it with a fork causing a ding sound. He repeated the movement until the laughter and noise stopped and all eyes were on him. _

"_I want to thank everyone for coming out to celebrate Olivia's well avoided birthday." Everyone erupted in laughter at his comment. Olivia had been avoiding her birthday all month. In fact, she avoided it every year. He nodded at the waitress before continuing his speech. "It's like they say, women age like fine wine. Her beauty grows every time I look at her. I've tried to come up with the words to describe how much I love this woman but I can't. There are no words in the English dictionary to describe how I feel."_

"_Then try a different language!" Fin yelled out causing everyone to laugh._

"_I tried that, but she doesn't understand me." Dean said with a wink. The waitress walked up to the table slowly with a chocolate cake lite by two candles. There was a single rose made out of icing in the center of the two candles. She placed it down in front of Olivia and walked away. "Happy birthday Olivia."_

"_Happy birthday!" Everyone said in unison before raising their glass. _

_Olivia was about to blow out the candle before something caught her eye. In the middle of the frosted rose was a beautiful diamond ring. There were small words written underneath it and she read them to herself repeatedly to make sure they was reading it correctly. The room went quiet as everyone just stared at her in confusion. Dean leaned into Olivia's ear and whispered the words she was still reading. "Olivia Benson, will you marry me?"_

Olivia was indeed the happiest woman in the world. She had everything she could even wish for. She wouldn't change a single thing. "We're getting there." She had the hardest choice to make. Which one of her best friends would she choose as her maid of honor? Was she to choose Alex or Casey? Could she have both? She shook her head to clear her thoughts. She hated planning weddings; it was too much work, way too much work. But for now, she was going to enjoy life day by day. "So are we going to eat? I'm starving!"

* * *

Alexis walked up into the federal building as quickly as she could without running in her heels. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out her badge as she approached the security check point. She flashed her badge and her gun to the armed guard and he let her through. She placed her badge back into her back pocket and walked to the elevator. She received a phone call from an FBI Assistant Director Brad Delaney requesting her presence at headquarters on an urgent matter. He stated that he could not tell her over the phone and just requested that she get their as fast as she could.

She got onto the escalator and pressed the button to the floor that every agent avoided going to, the basement level. The basement level contained the morgue. She felt her heart beat quicken as the elevator door opened. She looked up and made eye contact with AD Delaney. She approached him and shook his hand.

"Alexis."

"Brad." She said softly. She looked over to the other agents who were quietly heading to the elevator. "What's going on?"

Brad opened the door to the morgue and motioned for her to walk in before him. Once she did he walked in behind her and shit the door. "I need you to identify a body."

Alexis made eye contact with the medical examiner. It felt like her heart was practically beating out of her chest. She nodded for the M.E. to remove the sheet that covered the body lying on the cold metal table. When she laid her eyes on the person laying on the table she gasp and brought her hand to her mouth. She took a step back bumping into to Brad who just placed his hands on her waist. This had to be a dream, this couldn't be real. How was she going to tell her friend that he husband wouldn't be returning home? She begged her body to wake up. This is real, he is real, he is dead.

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**Reviews? Please? :)**


	3. How is she supposed to live on?

**I don't think anyone is reading this. Well, some are reading but probably have no interest. I'm going to post this chapter and if all else fail, I will discontinue the story.**

**P.S. You hear? Diane and Stephanie are returning to SVU!**

**Still don't own.**

* * *

Alex felt like everything around her was moving in slow motion as she walked into the federal building. She held her hand close to her chest as if to keep her heart from beating out of it. She saw Huang waiting for her at the security check point. She closed her eyes to try and calm her beating heart when she felt a pair of arms wrap around her. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. "What happened?" She said as Huang released her.

Casey and Liv took their places at Alex's side, Casey holding Alex's right hand while Liv took her left. "Alexis and Dean are waiting for us." He as he quickly signed them in and handed them visitor badges. He guided them to the elevator and pressed the button to the basement. The floor he dreaded going to. The elevator doors opened to reveal Alexis and Dean speaking quietly to each other. They both stopped and greeted the group as they exited the elevator.

Alexis held out her hand for Alex to take it. "Alex,"

Alex hesitated. "Will someone please tell me what is going on?"

Dean let out a deep breath before speaking. "Alex, there's been an accident."

Alex took a step back and collided into Casey and Olivia, who never left her side. "Where is he?"

Alexis approached her and put her hand on Alex's shoulder. "Lex, I'm so sorry."

_Max signaled his mean to surround the warehouse. He stood to the right of the door, gun drawn ready for the fight ahead. They had been monitoring this group for almost a year. Up until a few days ago, they had no concrete evidence for a judge to issue a search warrant. He banged his fist against the door. "NYPD! We have search warrant!" He waited several minutes and received no response. He nodded his head for swat to know down the door. _

_He entered the warehouse and in an instant, all hell broke loose. He ducked behind a pillar as bullets flew past him. He returned fire at his shooter, hitting him in the chest. He stepped out from behind the pillar and at the moment he felt the barrel of the gun on the back of his head. He stood perfectly still as if time had stopped. All he could do, all he could see was Alex's face. He finally knew why they say that at the moment of your death, your life flashes before your eyes. _

"_You see, there are two flaws to these bullet proof vest you officers wear. One, a bullet to the head is an instant kill, two a bullet under your arm through your rib cage and 3, a knife to the throat. You see, from where I stand, I will win. But I'm not letting you go that easy." He knew that voice all too well. The voice belonged to the man that they were there for. He closed his eyes as he heard other agents yelling for the man to lower his weapon. He took a deep breath before he felt a knife pierce through his underarm and into his chest. Gun fire rang through the room as he fell to his knees. He could feel the warmth of his blood running quickly from the wound as the knife was pulled out. The yelling from all around him sounded muffles, as if he was listening under water. He felt someone place their hand on his wound as he was lowered to the floor. Screaming for him to hold on. He felt his body begin to grow cold and his eye lids became heavy. He was tired, he was cold. As he took his final breath, he felt a tear fall from his eye as he saw the face of the woman that held his heart. _

Alex took a hold of Casey's arm as she began to fall to the floor. Huang immediately rushed to her side. "Alex, I need you to control your breathing."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's and held her close. "Alex honey, feel my chest against your back, breath with me."

A few moments had past and Alex's breathing was back under control. She stopped wiping away her tears from her eyes. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening. She just spoke to him a few hours ago, she kissed him a few hours ago.

"Take her home, Liv" Dean said softly.

"No." Alex said loudly. She stood up. "I want to see him." She looked at Alexis and took her hand. "Take me to see him."

Alexis hesitated. She took a deep breath before letting go of Alex's hand. She wrapped one arm around Alex's neck as they both walked to the viewing room. "No, I want to see him." Alexis nodded before opening the door to the morgue and signaled for the coroner. Alex looked down at the sheet covered body on the table in front of her. She took a hold of Alexis' other hand and squeezed tightly. Alexis nodded to the coroner who slowly folded back the sheet to reveal the face of the person beneath it. Alex felt a wave of emotion hit her like a passing buss. She looked down at the face of the man who looked as if he was sleeping. He worst fears had come to life. She let go of Alexis' hand and reached out to touch his face. "Max," She said softly before she began to release all the emotion and fear she had been holding since she walked through the doors. She felt Alexis wrapped her arms around her and slowly pulled her out of the morgue. Alex felt he knees buckle but was slowly lowered to the ground. He was gone. She would never hear his voice, feel his touch, look into his beautiful eyes or see his smile every again. He was her world, he was everything to her. A part of her died with him. She felt Alexis hold her tighter as she cried harder. How is she supposed to live on without him?

* * *

**Should I continue?**


	4. Just A Dream

**Thank you to those who reviewed, Dove in Love, AnyWhereElse and Jackel4387. The song is "Just a Dream" By Carrie Underwood. Please let me know what you think. I love suggestions and input. Appropriate input. Please don't be rude. Thank you.**

* * *

Alex sat on her bed staring at herself in the mirror. Her wet hair tucked securely behind her ears, her eyes blood shot, and her face was pale and clammy. The events from the past few days played through her mind. She kept thinking about the "what if's". What if she asked him to stay home with her? What if she made him late for work? There must have been something she could have done. Something she could have said. She closed her eyes, releasing a tear that had lingered. She placed her head on the pillow and took in Max's sent. She curled up into a ball and held the pillow close to her face so that with every breath she took, all she would smell was him.

Tears streamed down her face more than ever. Tears that she didn't know she still had. She looked up at the night stand and saw the photo that they first took in their home.

"_Will you put me down!" Alex said while laughing as Max carried her in his arms as he walked up the steps of their new home. He insisted on carrying her over the threshold like tradition. Alex took a deep breath and smiled, deciding to give in and let her husband carrying her in. 'Husband', that was a word that she could get used to saying. She looked at him and kissed him on the check receiving a smile from him as he turned to look into her ice blue eyes._

"_What was that for?" Max asked as he stopped and stood in front of the door. _

_Alex tightened her arms around his neck. "Nothing."_

_Max leaned his face closer to hers. "Well in that case." He kissed her on the lips. "Hold on." He said as he put her down. "Wait here." He opened the door and stepped inside for a few minutes before returning. "Okay." He said as he swooped Alex into his arms like she weighed nothing. He stepped into the house and looked into Alex eyes. "Welcome home my sweet, beautiful wife." He said as the camera flash went off, taking their first picture in their new home as husband and wife. _

Alex felt a pair of arms around her shoulder, lifting her head up from the pillow. She turned around to find Casey sitting in her bed, pulling her close to her chest. "Shh, It's going to be okay honey." Casey said as she held Alex close and ran her hand through her wet hair. Casey's heart was breaking as she held her friend as she continued to cry her heart out. She closed her eyes as she felt her own tears begin to fall. She rested her head on top of Alex's head as she rubbed her back trying to sooth her. "We're going to get through this." A few moments passed and Alex shed all the tears she could shed, she just let Casey hold her. Casey opened her eyes and looked up to see Olivia standing in the door way of Alex's room.

Olivia sat next to them and put her hand on Alex's back. "Alex honey, you're mother in law will be arriving in a few hours. Let's get you dressed, okay?"

Casey felt Alex head nod against her chest letting her know it was okay for her to release her. Casey got off the bed and disappeared into Alex's closet. Olivia sat on her knees behind Alex and began to brush her hair. Casey hung a black dress on the mirror before kneeling down in front of Alex. Alex looked down at Casey and saw that she was wearing a black skirt and a black button down. Her eyes then trailed up to the mirror seeing Olivia's reflection. She too was in all black. Then it hit her like a bus, today was the day. The day she would lay part of her soul to rest.

* * *

Alex, Casey, and Olivia sat side by side in the limo holding each other's hands. Alex was in between Casey and Olivia. It was as if they were her body guards, her protectors. In some sense, they were. The limo came to a stop and the girls remained silent. After a few moments the door opened revealing Elliot and Dean. Olivia gave Alex's hand a squeeze before she got out of the limo, gently pulling Alex and Casey out with her. Alex's face remained emotionless, her once bright blue eyes no longer shined.

_It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen  
All dressed in white  
Going to the church that night  
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat  
Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue  
And when the church doors opened up wide  
She put her veil down  
Trying to hide the tears  
Oh she just couldn't believe it  
She heard trumpets from the military band  
And the flowers fell out of her hand  
_

The girls began to walk through the cemetery hand in hand with Elliot and Dean following behind them. Alex tightened her grip on Casey's and Olivia's hand as they got closer to Max's family and friends who were standing around Max's casket.

_Baby why'd you leave me  
Why'd you have to go?  
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
I can't even breathe  
It's like I'm looking from a distance_

Max's mother Amanda, approached Alex as the girls arrived at Max's burial site. Casey and Olivia let go of Alex's hand as Max's mother pulled Alex into a tight hug. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry."

_Standing in the background  
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
This can't be happening to me  
This is just a dream  
_

Alex slowly wrapped her arms around Amanda and buried her head into her shoulder. "No, I should be the one who is sorry. You lost your one and only son." Alex said as she began to cry.

Amanda released Alex from the hug and cupped her face in her hands to she could look at her in the eyes. "Always the strong one, Alex." She kissed Alex on the forehead. "I lost my son and you lost your husband. You don't have to be so strong, Alex. You don't have to be strong for me."

_The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray  
Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt_

"We are gathered here today not only to mourn the passing of a great young man but to celebrate his life as well." The preacher said as he stood behind Max's casket.

_Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard  
Then they handed her a folded up And she held on to all she had left of him flag Oh, and what could have been_

Alex's didn't hear a single word that was spoken for the rest of the ceremony. Her body was there, but her mind wasn't. Her eyes lay on the casket that held Max's body. She didn't know how to feel at that moment, anger, fear, pain, guilt. All of it hitting her all at once. She slowly got up and walked over to his casket. She placed a red rose on his casket and closed her eyes as her tears fell once more.

_And then the guns rang one last shot  
And it felt like a bullet in her heart  
_

"Why did you take him from me?" She whispered. "Why?"

_Baby why'd you leave me  
Why'd you have to go?  
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
I can't even breathe  
It's like I'm looking from a distance  
Standing in the background  
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
This can't be happening to me  
This is just a dream  
_

Alex returned to her place next to Amanda, Casey, and Olivia. The girls instantly grabbed each other's hand. Alex rested her head on Casey's shoulder as they began to lower the casket into the ground.

_Oh,  
Baby why'd you leave me  
Why'd you have to go?  
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
Oh, now I'll never know  
It's like I'm looking from a distance  
Standing in the background  
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
This can't be happening to me  
This is just a dream  
_

Every second that passed, Alex hoped that this was all just a dream. That she would wake up from this horrible nightmare and Max would be lying by her side, but it wasn't. This was real, everything really happened and he was gone from her forever.

_Oh, this is just a dream  
Just a dream  
Yeah, Yeah_

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**___Sorry this was short. I had trouble with this chapter. I knew what i wanted it to be about but i had trouble putting it into words. Reviews... please?_**


	5. Until Death and After

**Sorry for taking so long for updating. I had major writers block then just got busy with work and school. I do not own. If I did, Diane and Stephanie would be back, for good. ****Max, Alexis, Jade and mini Jade are mine. This chapter with Alex is mostly flash backs of her memories. So here it goes…**

* * *

She tried to fight back tears as she sat and watched the sun set over the Aegean Sea. It felt like it had been yesterday when she was told of her husband's death.

_"Alex, there's been an accident."_

_Alex took a step back and collided into Casey and Olivia, who never left her side. "Where is he?"_

_Alexis approached her and put her hand on Alex's shoulder. "Lex, I'm so sorry."_

Alex pulled the oversized sweater tighter around her shoulders as she took in the lingering scent of her fallen husband. She closed her eyes and let the tears fall. The DA had given her a month off after the announcement of her husband's murder. Casey and Olivia insisted that she take the time to take care of herself. The first week after the funeral, Casey and Olivia never left her side. They took turns taking care of her, supporting her, even held her as she cried. She surprised them when she told them that she would be leaving for Greece for a few weeks. Her parents had bought her and Max a home on Andros as their wedding present. This is where she has been for the past two weeks. The home that she and Max spent their honey moon in.

Alex grabbed her glass from the table as she got up from her seat and walked into the house. She shut the door behind and locked the door behind her then finished the remaining contents of her glass. She walked over to the sofa in front of the fire place and sat down slowly as she poured herself another drink. She looked over to the sheep furred rug on the floor in front of the fire place. She took another sip as a memory flooded her mind.

"_How many kids do you want?" Max asked as he began a trail of kisses on her bare stomach. _

_Alex looked down at her husband and smiled. She repeated that word back to herself in her head one more time. 'Husband', that's right, he was and always would be her husband. She was the happiest she has ever been in her life. She was married to a man that she loved with every piece of her heart. "Two."_

_Max looked into her beautiful blue eyes and kissed her on the lips. "Boy or girl?"_

_She looked into his eyes and saw nothing but love. She smiled at him and gave him a kiss on the lips before answering. "It doesn't matter as long as the baby is healthy."_

The contents of her glass were gone, just like the man in her memory. She grabbed the bottle and walked over to the bathroom. She poured herself another drink before placing it down on the table beside the tub. She placed her hand in the water to check the temperature. She had filled the tub with hot water before she went outside to watch the sun set. She took a sip before she looked at herself in the mirror. The woman that was looking back at her wasn't someone she recognized. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hair was dull and in need of a color touch up. She pulled the sweater over her head and looked at her no fragile body. She ran her hand over her now boney hip and inhaled deeply. She had let herself go, stopped taking care of herself since his death. Why should she bother? She didn't have anything to live for.

She took off the rest of her clothes and stepped into the bath tub. She lowered herself slowly into the hot water and took a deep breath. She closed her eyes as the smell of jasmine filled her senses.

"_Tell me something." Alex said as she laced her fingers with Max's._

"_What would you like to know?" Max whispered softly in her ear._

_She closed her eyes as she felt his chest rise up and down with is breathing against her back. She laid her head back against him and she felt him placed his hand on her stomach underneath the water. "How much do you love me?"_

_He kissed her neck while he enjoyed the smell of jasmine coming from their bath. "I would run around the world until the soles of my shoes were worn and the soles of my feet bled for you." He kissed her neck again. "If my heart was the only thing that could save you, I would gladly give it to you."_

_Alex pulled from his grasped and looked at him. "But you would die." Her tone serious as tears filled her blue eyes._

_Max pulled her close to him and rested his forehead against her's. "I would give my life for you, Lex. As long as my heart and my love beat in your chest, I will never die. I will be with you, always. I will love you until death and after."_

Alex laid down in bed and took a deep breath into the pillow on the right side of the bed. She pulled the pillow close to her chest and closed her eyes. Once again, she felt her tears fall slowly onto the pillow. She struggled to take deep breaths as she began to cry harder. She closed her eyes until her tears stopped falling and she slowly drifted into a deep and much needed slumber.

"_Alexandra?"_

_Alex opened her eyes as she felt a cool breeze blow past her carrying a sweet smell of gardenias. She opened her eyes and looked at the beautiful blue sky above her. She placed her hands on stomach and laced her fingers together. "Jade?" She felt the presence of someone lying next to her but she did not move, knowing full well who that person could be. "Can I see him?"_

_Jade took a deep breath and hesitated before speaking. "No.", she said softly but loud enough for Alex to hear. She propped herself up on to her shoulders and watch Alex closely. _

"_Why?" Alex asked as her voice began to tremble. _

_She took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair. "Because you need time to grieve." _

_Alex turned to look at her with anger filled eyes. "Grieve? I need time to grieve?"_

"_Alex.."_

"_No, all I have been doing for the past few weeks is grieving. I cry myself to sleep every night and when I think I have no more tears to shed, more fall." Alex was now getting up to stand and Jade mimicked her move closely. _

_Jade grabbed her and pulled her into a hug. She held onto the woman as she cried once more for the death of her husband. "Its okay." She repeated as she ran her hand over the back of Alex's head and through her hair. "Max is still in the process of accepting that he has died, Alex. If he were allowed to see you then I wouldn't not help his soul to move on. Please, do you understand what I am saying?" She felt Alex nod. "He cries constantly for you." She felt Alex's body tremble. "He asked me to tell you something." Jade took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "He said that he will always love you…  
_

_Alex interrupted her and finished her sentence for her. "…Until death and after."_

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**_Reviews? Please? :) _**


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